Golf Cart Chaos

Today I was driving the golf carts at work and explaining to my two co-workers/buddies why I was the best cart driver since I was the only one who had not crashed a cart. Mid thought a couple of stairs came out of nowhere and i accidentally drove down them... I don't think Josh and Dane will ever let me live it down. Pride before the fall.

Jesus Wants Me for a Sun-BEAN!

As a child I always thought that people were called "human beans" I guess it is a tribute to the severe obesity problems in America that humans sometimes really are bean shaped like beans...unless of course you are talking about greenbeans...but even then... some humans that are super skinny are that shape.

This association of humans to beans was further solidified by the song that is sung by the children at church called "Jesus wants me for a sunBEAN." That song is the best. Lots of jumping up and yelling involved. I think one time as I helped with the family garden I wondered if any of the greenbeans we planted were called "sunbeans"and why Jesus would want me to not be human...instead he wanted me to be marginal vegetable...I mean an artichoke or asperagus or something really delicious I could have understood...but a green bean?

I think it was much later in life before I discovered that human beings are not beans and Jesus doesn't want me for a sunbean, but he really does want me for a sunbeam.

Poker Face

It is no Joke that I would be the worst poker player ever. The other night some friends and I were playing rummy and we joked about how poorly I hide it when I have a good hand. It doesn't matter how hard I try to conceal things I really am incapable. Surprises take so much effort because I have to prep myself in the mirror. I go through every situation or question that the person being surprised might put me in or ask. My roommates almost always know if I have kissed my date when I come home just by looking at my face. Even 3 or 4 hours later.

In light of this personal deficiency I think that becoming a bank manager would be a poor choice of careers. Can you imagine the conversation between a bank robber and me.

Me - "I don't even know the code to the vault..."

Bank Robber - "Dude, your the worst liar ever! I can see it in your face! Now open the vault!"

...Yeah...grifter would be a poor choice too...although I really like the word, grifter, and really wish it applied to a person who can't hide his emotions rather than someone who scams people.

No More Monkey's Jumping on the Bed

That popular children's song about monkeys jumping on beds and falling off and breaking their heads has always had great meaning for me. When I was four some of my siblings and I woke up and proceeded to jump on my bed. Things were great until I decided I wanted to jump and land on my back. I bounced off my back sideways and hit the desk next to my bed splitting my lip causing me to need 4 stitches. This last year I kinda got a little chubby and the scar became much more visible. I had 3 or 4 people ask me if I had a cleft pallet when I was a child. I politely explained what had happened when I was four years old.


If people were curious before as to whether or not I had a cleft pallet they will be more so now. Last night after 2 hours of vigorous racquetball I was chasing a ball towards the back wall when the ball hit the corner and took an unexpected bounce. In my haste to change the trajectory of my racket I failed to miss the tip of my shoe which catapulted the business end directly at my face. Completely missing the ridiculous-looking protective eye-wear that I adorn, the racket smacked me precisely on my upper lip right on the other side of my face from my old scar. I knew immediately from the reaction of my opponents that I was hurt pretty badly, not to mention the searing pain in my face. I called a friend who rushed me to a late night urgent care center where I received four stitches. My only regret is that this time I was not a good enough boy to receive a lollypop from the nurse. I guess they assumed I had grown out of that, or maybe she did not appreciate me asking her if she would kiss it better. ;)

Dream Food

So I just fell asleep on my couch. In the few seconds that I was asleep I had a dream about eating. What was it that I was eating in my dream? Potatoes...plain, mashed potatoes. You always hear about people's "dream woman" or "dream job" I suppose that plain mashed potatoes is my "dream food." It kind of makes those phrases less meaningful though. I mean maybe instead of calling someone a "dream girl" she should be called a "hoped-for girl." That way there is no confusion as to whether you mean you dreamed about someone versus day-dreamed/imagined.

GObama!

Some people say, "Vote for so and so" or "Choose something, something." However, I have the solution for those of us that hate losing so much that it makes us clench our butt-cheeks so tight we could crack walnuts every time we get beat at racquetball, or swear when we lose at chess. This year, in order to save myself the agony of defeat, I chose not to vote or choose a party until it was almost set who the winner would be. Then I jumped on that bandwagon and rode baby rode.

That said, I would just like to say GO OBAMA!! I knew you could do it! You ROCK! Your policy on doing stuff for America sure was something of a something. Now I know that America will be somewhere (insert ambiguous adjective here) for at least the next 4 years.

I made some fudge and delivered it to some of my friends here in Utah. It was wrapped and had blue ribbons on it for the blue of the democrats. I delivered it just after I was sure McCain could not make a comeback saying, "happy Obama day." It was funny to see people react. Some were disgusted. Some laughed and admited to voting for Obama. I like that a lot of people think the world is coming to an end.

PS I really did vote...I am not an idiot...does anyone need some walnuts cracked?

Do Grape Trees Start as Nuts?

I have realized that no matter how much sugar or honey you put on Grapenuts cereal it still tastes very bland. You could sprinkle a light layer of Grapenuts on pure cane sugar eat it and it would still taste awful. Its weird though that only after a couple of bites you are full and you wont get hungry again for at least 5 hours. At least it is not taco bell where I feel nauseated for a week after eating it.