Oh good... I was worried that I was a racist for a minute there!

So, I am in Rite Aid at the Crystal City metro stop and I am perusing the shelves. I noticed that the black woman standing at the end of the aisle looked a lot like the lady that works in the office right next to mine. Just as the thought entered into my head that she looked like Tina, I kicked myself. I thought to myself, 'David, that is so racist! Not all black people look alike!' Then the lady glanced up and saw me looking at her, smiled at me and said, "Hi, David." Turns out it really WAS the lady that works next to me. I was pleased to not be a racist after all. Also, I need to remember to wear my glasses more often...

Old Folk

Does anyone find it curious that the word "Crotchety," "Croquet," and "Crochet," are so similar? They all seem to be tied to old people.

Example:
The crotchety old man was playing croquet while the crocheting old woman watched.

...I am just saying...

Why is this logo on shoes?!

Remind you of anything?

On the same flight as the last post was about while looking through Skymall magazine, my neighbor pointed out that the logo on a pair of shoes in the magazine was ridiculous… What do you think?

I read everything the magazine had to say about the shoes and nowhere did it talk about reproductive systems…

Three Year Old on the Flight

You would think there was a three year old sitting behind me on this plane. About every 15 minutes it feels like she is just punching the back of my seat. I look back and see the 40-something lady that is actuallybehind me. She smelled like alcohol before she got on theplane and she asked for 2 beers when the cart came around. When the plane shakes a little she starts talking loudly toherself. It is not cute. In stark contrast the actual three year old sitting beside me is adorable and very well behaved. She has satquietly and when she has spoken it is pleasant and often very funny. It amazes me the stark contrast between the “little girl”behind me and the little girl next to me.

we had some fun with photobooth.

Role Confusion

Question: If a lesbian couple gets onto a crowded metro and there is one seat left, which of the two gets to sit down?

This is the exact situation that happened on the metro the other day. A couple was arguing about who got to sit down in the seat next to me while the other one stood.

I guess if I was a part of a lesbian couple I would make sure that we decide these things beforehand so we don't make a scene in public. How embarrassing for them. Of course a lot of things would have to be very different in order for that scenario to involve me anyway...

Time

It is said that "Time heals all things." I think that of all the things in the world that are tricky and fluster me in any way time is the most obstinate of them all. When you are happy and having fun time speeds up so you don't get to enjoy the fun as long. When you are grieving, time is the only thing that can make you feel better but it goes so slowly that being healed and happy again seems a million years away. In my mind it should be the other way around. Time should fly by when you are grieved and slow way down when you are having fun. That way sadness will seem to last only a moment and your happy times will seem to never end.

Free Publicity

I decided tonight that if I was a golfer right now I would change my name. It is not that I don't like my name. In fact, I love it. I just was thinking that if I was a golfer having the name "Mick Ilson" it would be very advantageous. People would be like, "When is Mickelson teeing off?" And people would answer, "OH, Mick Ilson? He's teeing off at 9" Then people would show up to see me tee off and be like, "Oh, haha. Funny. I wanted to see Mickelson. Oh well, I guess I will just watch this Mick Ilson guy play."

Deep inside I would know that all my fans really wanted to see Mickelson play golf but I think it wouldn't matter to me. It would always make me chuckle at every hole and it would remind me that golf is supposed to be fun. And hey, who doesn't like a good prank that involves tricking other people, right?

haha Mick Ilson... it's funny because it sounds like Mickelson...

The Perfect Storm

Something I feel that happens too often is when you get one of those little 2 packs of Starbursts and there is a yellow and an orange together. It's like the "perfect storm" that no one likes to see. Perhaps I just notice it more because I am so disappointed when it happens. I usually like to try and guess which colors you'll find inside those little packages. I always hope for what I like to call "the jackpot." That is when you get a pink and a red. Those are delicious.

The Vid

Here is a link to the video mentioned in the previous post.

Ben and Susannah's engagement video.

I have to warn you that you will probably cry... I mean obviously I didn't cry...I am a man...I have hobbies...I work out...I don't cry. However, I know of a few others who have cried.

Just a warning.

Buried Treasure

The other day i get a call from Josh. He called to tell me that our good friend Benjamin is engaged. This is the story of how he asked her to marry him.

Ben went out and hid the ring. (Certainly in some romantic place.) Then he marked the exact longitude and latitude on his hand-held GPS. Then he made some of his friends who were really technologically gifted set up a camera a long distance away so he could record the whole event. In order to hear what was said they ran a microphone through the leaves and dirt all the way to the place where the ring was hidden along with a dozen roses inside an old army ammo box. Then he gave her the coordinates and she had to find the whole setup using the GPS. This is called geocaching and it is becoming more and more popular. I wonder if anyone has ever geocached to ask someone to marry them before.

So to anyone who is going to be invited to the wedding ceremony the coordinates are:

									33° 57′ 34.7″ N, 80° 53′ 38.33″ W 33.959638, -80.893981

The reception will be held that evening at:

33° 59′ 27.8″ N, 81° 4′ 23.4″ W
33.991056, -81.073167

I hope you all have GPS. :)

Congrats Benjamin! I love you Buddy! Did you put the video up on Youtube yet?

Golf Cart Chaos

Today I was driving the golf carts at work and explaining to my two co-workers/buddies why I was the best cart driver since I was the only one who had not crashed a cart. Mid thought a couple of stairs came out of nowhere and i accidentally drove down them... I don't think Josh and Dane will ever let me live it down. Pride before the fall.

Jesus Wants Me for a Sun-BEAN!

As a child I always thought that people were called "human beans" I guess it is a tribute to the severe obesity problems in America that humans sometimes really are bean shaped like beans...unless of course you are talking about greenbeans...but even then... some humans that are super skinny are that shape.

This association of humans to beans was further solidified by the song that is sung by the children at church called "Jesus wants me for a sunBEAN." That song is the best. Lots of jumping up and yelling involved. I think one time as I helped with the family garden I wondered if any of the greenbeans we planted were called "sunbeans"and why Jesus would want me to not be human...instead he wanted me to be marginal vegetable...I mean an artichoke or asperagus or something really delicious I could have understood...but a green bean?

I think it was much later in life before I discovered that human beings are not beans and Jesus doesn't want me for a sunbean, but he really does want me for a sunbeam.

Poker Face

It is no Joke that I would be the worst poker player ever. The other night some friends and I were playing rummy and we joked about how poorly I hide it when I have a good hand. It doesn't matter how hard I try to conceal things I really am incapable. Surprises take so much effort because I have to prep myself in the mirror. I go through every situation or question that the person being surprised might put me in or ask. My roommates almost always know if I have kissed my date when I come home just by looking at my face. Even 3 or 4 hours later.

In light of this personal deficiency I think that becoming a bank manager would be a poor choice of careers. Can you imagine the conversation between a bank robber and me.

Me - "I don't even know the code to the vault..."

Bank Robber - "Dude, your the worst liar ever! I can see it in your face! Now open the vault!"

...Yeah...grifter would be a poor choice too...although I really like the word, grifter, and really wish it applied to a person who can't hide his emotions rather than someone who scams people.

No More Monkey's Jumping on the Bed

That popular children's song about monkeys jumping on beds and falling off and breaking their heads has always had great meaning for me. When I was four some of my siblings and I woke up and proceeded to jump on my bed. Things were great until I decided I wanted to jump and land on my back. I bounced off my back sideways and hit the desk next to my bed splitting my lip causing me to need 4 stitches. This last year I kinda got a little chubby and the scar became much more visible. I had 3 or 4 people ask me if I had a cleft pallet when I was a child. I politely explained what had happened when I was four years old.


If people were curious before as to whether or not I had a cleft pallet they will be more so now. Last night after 2 hours of vigorous racquetball I was chasing a ball towards the back wall when the ball hit the corner and took an unexpected bounce. In my haste to change the trajectory of my racket I failed to miss the tip of my shoe which catapulted the business end directly at my face. Completely missing the ridiculous-looking protective eye-wear that I adorn, the racket smacked me precisely on my upper lip right on the other side of my face from my old scar. I knew immediately from the reaction of my opponents that I was hurt pretty badly, not to mention the searing pain in my face. I called a friend who rushed me to a late night urgent care center where I received four stitches. My only regret is that this time I was not a good enough boy to receive a lollypop from the nurse. I guess they assumed I had grown out of that, or maybe she did not appreciate me asking her if she would kiss it better. ;)

Dream Food

So I just fell asleep on my couch. In the few seconds that I was asleep I had a dream about eating. What was it that I was eating in my dream? Potatoes...plain, mashed potatoes. You always hear about people's "dream woman" or "dream job" I suppose that plain mashed potatoes is my "dream food." It kind of makes those phrases less meaningful though. I mean maybe instead of calling someone a "dream girl" she should be called a "hoped-for girl." That way there is no confusion as to whether you mean you dreamed about someone versus day-dreamed/imagined.

GObama!

Some people say, "Vote for so and so" or "Choose something, something." However, I have the solution for those of us that hate losing so much that it makes us clench our butt-cheeks so tight we could crack walnuts every time we get beat at racquetball, or swear when we lose at chess. This year, in order to save myself the agony of defeat, I chose not to vote or choose a party until it was almost set who the winner would be. Then I jumped on that bandwagon and rode baby rode.

That said, I would just like to say GO OBAMA!! I knew you could do it! You ROCK! Your policy on doing stuff for America sure was something of a something. Now I know that America will be somewhere (insert ambiguous adjective here) for at least the next 4 years.

I made some fudge and delivered it to some of my friends here in Utah. It was wrapped and had blue ribbons on it for the blue of the democrats. I delivered it just after I was sure McCain could not make a comeback saying, "happy Obama day." It was funny to see people react. Some were disgusted. Some laughed and admited to voting for Obama. I like that a lot of people think the world is coming to an end.

PS I really did vote...I am not an idiot...does anyone need some walnuts cracked?

Do Grape Trees Start as Nuts?

I have realized that no matter how much sugar or honey you put on Grapenuts cereal it still tastes very bland. You could sprinkle a light layer of Grapenuts on pure cane sugar eat it and it would still taste awful. Its weird though that only after a couple of bites you are full and you wont get hungry again for at least 5 hours. At least it is not taco bell where I feel nauseated for a week after eating it.

Just Married

I was driving toward Park City today on the freeway and as i was going I saw a car that had been decorated with 'Just Married" written on the back window broken down on the freeway. I couldn't help but laugh as i thought of the conversation that must have ensued at the time the car broke down:

"Well, dearest, the car broke down. We have waited this many years to have relations. Can we wait a few more hours while we wait for a taxi and a tow?"

Yeah. Not much of a conversation. I mean...what do you say to that? I would have offered a ride but I couldn't see anyone in the car so i just kept driving.

Beating Around the Bush

I decided my favorite kind of people is the kind that gets to the point quickly and precisely. I know that I am not always the best at this but my mentor at BYU's school of technology, her name is Beverly, is one of these people. The information comes at me so fast and intensely out of her mouth that my brain has absolutely no chance to wander off. If only I could get everyone that speaks in church to be like her it would make church much more informative for me.

Fudge. F Dash Dash Dash. The Grand-Daddy of All Swear Words.

My buddy Lee has an awesome fudge recipe. He sent this recipe to my email address with the above title which is from the movie "A Christmas Story", the one with the kid who has everyone tell him he'll shoot his eye out if he gets the ridiculously-long-named Red Rider bee bee gun. Also, I always wondered if they used contacts or movie tricks to make that one bully kid's eyes yellow in that movie. I thought yellow eyes would be pretty cool until I found out most people with yellow eyes either have jaundice or liver problems or both.

I have been on a no-sugar kick lately and haven't had large quantities of sugar in a long time. I allow myself, generally, one treat per week. I usually save it till Sunday because that is when my student ward has what I affectionately call "eat-a-cookie, take-a-lookie" or "snack and mack." Officially I think its name is "munch and mingle." I like mine better though. This is where we all get together in one of the apartments and eat the delicious desserts provided by the hosts. usually I eat a brownie or a cookie and then socialize for a while soaking up the energy of happy people around me. However, this time it was my apartments turn to host the shin-dig. What did I make? You guessed it! I made the fudge from Lee's recipe. It is great fudge but a small piece goes a long way, and 14 or 15 small pieces makes you want to throw up when you wake up in the morning...that is if you ever get off your sugar high long enough to get to sleep before the sun comes up. I unfortunately made the mistake of eating too much fudge when I had not eaten any significant amounts of sugar for a couple months. After dry-heaving out of my car door for about five minutes this morning before leaving for work I am not sure I will ever be able to look at the fudge the same way again.

P.S. does anyone know where I can buy one of those leg-lamps from that movie? :)